Equalibrium

 
How does that work? 

They ask, every time I explain I'm in love with a married women. 

"Quite well".. I fib slightly.  It's easier to not get into the challenges. 

And there are challenges, distance, the inability to build a life together in the examples I've grown up with.

Having to accept that as the "freerer" agent, it will always be easier to give up a piece of me in support of the relationship.

Most recently, this reflects in the living situation. Buckle up, and settle in for a little tale...

Last year, right before pandemic, I rented a small studio apartment over closer to my partner. This seemed like a really good idea, as it cut my commute time to my job and gave us a chance to experience life closer.  It started out as a place for me to crash a few nights a week. 

Fast forward to october 2020, I changed jobs, was working full time remote, and living 100% in a very tiny studio apartment.  And I'm fairly.. unhappy.  (recognizing my priviledge at having a roof over my head),  I don't have my self in this place.  I don't have self in my partners space (I've helped build/decorate/remodel their space to their desires, and enjoy doing that for them).   So I linger in limbo..  until something changes, breaks, or such. 

Here's the rub... my partner has expressed multiple times a desire to figure out near/cohabitation, and for me, it's important as I don't want to live alone as I get older.  But it's one thing to express, its another to put energy into a solution.   To be fair, none of us know what to do, so I'm not frustrated at my partner... 

I'm frustrated at the situation, and the apparent lack of solution. 

Boundless World

Some days, the world is simply too much. 

Too much hate

Too much effort

Too much need

But alas, when the world is too much there's really naught to do but soldier on. As a solo poly person, if I don't work, I endanger my retirement. (I also recognize the privilege of having a retirement plan) I lose medical coverage, future, and more. 

On the hard days, gird ones loins and march though. Ignore the distractions, the imagery of a world of abundance, and  simply...  survive. 

Covid - Poly and dying alone

 A startling realization hit last night,  the impact of being solo poly means I will most likely die alone.

Last evening, I had some feeling of unease, like my heart was racing and couldn’t keep up. My shoulder hurt, my legs felt heavy and I couldn’t focus. Tossing on my pulse oxyometer, it showed a low o2 sat, and my heart going about 100 bpm.  

Shit.  This might be it.  My father , his family , had terrible history with heart problems.  Here I sit , middle of my years old, about to kick the can. 

And there was no one in the house for me to call to. 

My solo poly is by choice.  I choose to be in a relationship with an amazing human, who has a really excellent husband. They’ve been together almost 2 decades, and I’ve been lucky enough to get to know both of them. 

I choose the relationships I do, because they are amazing and fit me well. 

It’s in the hard times that I am faced with the realization that my choices, will leave me ever alone in the quiet times.

The ability to grow a life with someone(s) else is precious, and it doesn’t always look the way you think it should. 

Community

Content Warning:
Internal Processing Made External... Why? Cause sometimes it really helps to share outside my brain. It can get quite stuffy in there at times.

Community has always been something that I've struggled with feeling more than an outsider in. I've joined a few new communities in the past few years, and in each one, I find that I feel like an outer ring individual.

To feel part of a community, I like to be able to help. To help build things and do things, improve and expand. I find that I have trouble at times emotionally handling situations where I start an idea, and then it gets acquired by someone and ran with.. and when it comes to fruition the credit lays with the final deliverer. It happens both in my career and in different communities. Part of it I see is I should be clear on what I plan to do ("I am going to build this, would like your input"), and part of it seems that.. I should just not give 2 shekels where the credit goes, so long as the community improves.

And that seems to be a crux of my internal struggle on feeling part of a community.. I don't feel like I am a credit hound, nor is credit really what I want.. but it seems like building that social credit/collateral is a key part of being in a community. It also seems to be a way, in my head, to "validate" that I am giving back to the community, and that I'm actually part of it, and not just a hangeron.

-----------------------Questions----------------

How is it that you know, or you feel like you are an active, giving, good member of a community?

What lights up your heart, letting you know that the community cares | appreciates | wants you to be part of it?

Apologies for the stream on consciousness writing style, and the somewhat random posting.

Happy Thursday all.

Shame

It is a powerful thing to feel as though something you are  doing is shameful.

I recently had a chance to take my meta’s niece out for an activity, with my girlfriend

It was awkward, as the child’s parents have no idea as to my girlfriend and I’s relationship

This is due to a requirement from my meta that their family be kept in the dark.

Difficult situation to be in, but I love taking kids out for new experiences, and it allowed me to get
A short while with my partner... even if we had to pretend we didn’t like each other.

It was going well until the young kiddo asked if we were boyfriend....  this is where the shame
Sets in.  I was forced to lie to a child, to protect a secret that I don’t believe in.

I feel shame for lying to that kiddo... and I feel like I am a point of shame , as I must be a secret

Feelings will be processed...

Coping Mechanisms

We don't always realize when we have a coping mechanism...  especially when it's so ingrained in ourself.. our being. 

"Coping strategies refer to the specific efforts, both behavioral and psychological, that people employ to master, tolerate, reduce, or minimize stressful events. ... An additional distinction that is often made in the coping literature is between active and avoidant coping strategies."

Food is one of my prime mechanisms.  I had thought I was over using it, when I got healthier.  

The last year has taught me other wise.   It starts small "Oh I'll just go get lunch, get away from the desk" ...
"I had a salad yesterday,  the pizza smells great and it's been a hard day"

"One of these caramel bars won't hurt"

"I mean .. if I had one , two really isnt that bad. and it was really rough today."

And gets worse from there. 

Hidden

It's a difficult thing to feel as though you have to remain hidden in some parts of your life. Particularly in regards to people you care about. 

One of my partners has some circumstances that require a little.. discretion.. when discussing or sharing the nature of our relationship with the world.  Over the time we've been together, the need for discretion lowered more and more... until we were fairly open, even on facebook. 

An event recently took that a few steps back, and unfortunately reinforced that I am the hidden partner (not quite as cool as it sounds).  In the grand scheme of impact, it's minimal..  but in a world where Jerk Brain reigns,  it feels like yet another reminder of where I am. 

Alright jerk brain.. we should figure this out.....  lest one of us say something silly!