Equalibrium

 
How does that work? 

They ask, every time I explain I'm in love with a married women. 

"Quite well".. I fib slightly.  It's easier to not get into the challenges. 

And there are challenges, distance, the inability to build a life together in the examples I've grown up with.

Having to accept that as the "freerer" agent, it will always be easier to give up a piece of me in support of the relationship.

Most recently, this reflects in the living situation. Buckle up, and settle in for a little tale...

Last year, right before pandemic, I rented a small studio apartment over closer to my partner. This seemed like a really good idea, as it cut my commute time to my job and gave us a chance to experience life closer.  It started out as a place for me to crash a few nights a week. 

Fast forward to october 2020, I changed jobs, was working full time remote, and living 100% in a very tiny studio apartment.  And I'm fairly.. unhappy.  (recognizing my priviledge at having a roof over my head),  I don't have my self in this place.  I don't have self in my partners space (I've helped build/decorate/remodel their space to their desires, and enjoy doing that for them).   So I linger in limbo..  until something changes, breaks, or such. 

Here's the rub... my partner has expressed multiple times a desire to figure out near/cohabitation, and for me, it's important as I don't want to live alone as I get older.  But it's one thing to express, its another to put energy into a solution.   To be fair, none of us know what to do, so I'm not frustrated at my partner... 

I'm frustrated at the situation, and the apparent lack of solution.