Shame

It is a powerful thing to feel as though something you are  doing is shameful.

I recently had a chance to take my meta’s niece out for an activity, with my girlfriend

It was awkward, as the child’s parents have no idea as to my girlfriend and I’s relationship

This is due to a requirement from my meta that their family be kept in the dark.

Difficult situation to be in, but I love taking kids out for new experiences, and it allowed me to get
A short while with my partner... even if we had to pretend we didn’t like each other.

It was going well until the young kiddo asked if we were boyfriend....  this is where the shame
Sets in.  I was forced to lie to a child, to protect a secret that I don’t believe in.

I feel shame for lying to that kiddo... and I feel like I am a point of shame , as I must be a secret

Feelings will be processed...

Coping Mechanisms

We don't always realize when we have a coping mechanism...  especially when it's so ingrained in ourself.. our being. 

"Coping strategies refer to the specific efforts, both behavioral and psychological, that people employ to master, tolerate, reduce, or minimize stressful events. ... An additional distinction that is often made in the coping literature is between active and avoidant coping strategies."

Food is one of my prime mechanisms.  I had thought I was over using it, when I got healthier.  

The last year has taught me other wise.   It starts small "Oh I'll just go get lunch, get away from the desk" ...
"I had a salad yesterday,  the pizza smells great and it's been a hard day"

"One of these caramel bars won't hurt"

"I mean .. if I had one , two really isnt that bad. and it was really rough today."

And gets worse from there. 

Hidden

It's a difficult thing to feel as though you have to remain hidden in some parts of your life. Particularly in regards to people you care about. 

One of my partners has some circumstances that require a little.. discretion.. when discussing or sharing the nature of our relationship with the world.  Over the time we've been together, the need for discretion lowered more and more... until we were fairly open, even on facebook. 

An event recently took that a few steps back, and unfortunately reinforced that I am the hidden partner (not quite as cool as it sounds).  In the grand scheme of impact, it's minimal..  but in a world where Jerk Brain reigns,  it feels like yet another reminder of where I am. 

Alright jerk brain.. we should figure this out.....  lest one of us say something silly!

Coming out as Poly?

How does one "Come out" as poly to the world?

I've been exploring what Poly is to me for  a few months now.  I have a wonderful girlfriend, and 2 partners who are fire in my heart. It is a wonderful feeling, with it's ups and downs,  communication mishaps, and so many great successes.

But I don't like feeling as though I have to hide this part of my life. I recently posted some photos of a trip I took with a partner.  It was a fantastic trip, we had amazing experiences and got to learn about each other.  Some of the photos very much look like your "stereotypical" bf/gf on a date relationship. Why?  because we were on a date, and each moment we savored and laughed and enjoyed.

I came home from that trip and had a great reconnection with my girlfriend... whose response to the trip photos was " X is really hot and I'm glad you're together".  I love my girlfriend.. who is married to a most excellent gent (ya, my metamor is pretty damn awesome), and to have my partners feel such compersion.. and the same compersion I feel for them, and to have no fear in sharing all my highs and lows,  is an indescribable feeling.


So, the question I wrestle with is,  how to show the rest of my life this side of me?  To let them all know that they will see me in romantic photos with more than one person, and yes, I am dating them, and yes I care for them, and No, I am not a "playa".

I know, in my heart, that mine and my partners care for each other is all that really matters.. but dammit.. I want the world to know these people are fucking important to me.

Thanks for listening.

El Senior Otter