Covid - Poly and dying alone

 A startling realization hit last night,  the impact of being solo poly means I will most likely die alone.

Last evening, I had some feeling of unease, like my heart was racing and couldn’t keep up. My shoulder hurt, my legs felt heavy and I couldn’t focus. Tossing on my pulse oxyometer, it showed a low o2 sat, and my heart going about 100 bpm.  

Shit.  This might be it.  My father , his family , had terrible history with heart problems.  Here I sit , middle of my years old, about to kick the can. 

And there was no one in the house for me to call to. 

My solo poly is by choice.  I choose to be in a relationship with an amazing human, who has a really excellent husband. They’ve been together almost 2 decades, and I’ve been lucky enough to get to know both of them. 

I choose the relationships I do, because they are amazing and fit me well. 

It’s in the hard times that I am faced with the realization that my choices, will leave me ever alone in the quiet times.

The ability to grow a life with someone(s) else is precious, and it doesn’t always look the way you think it should. 

Community

Content Warning:
Internal Processing Made External... Why? Cause sometimes it really helps to share outside my brain. It can get quite stuffy in there at times.

Community has always been something that I've struggled with feeling more than an outsider in. I've joined a few new communities in the past few years, and in each one, I find that I feel like an outer ring individual.

To feel part of a community, I like to be able to help. To help build things and do things, improve and expand. I find that I have trouble at times emotionally handling situations where I start an idea, and then it gets acquired by someone and ran with.. and when it comes to fruition the credit lays with the final deliverer. It happens both in my career and in different communities. Part of it I see is I should be clear on what I plan to do ("I am going to build this, would like your input"), and part of it seems that.. I should just not give 2 shekels where the credit goes, so long as the community improves.

And that seems to be a crux of my internal struggle on feeling part of a community.. I don't feel like I am a credit hound, nor is credit really what I want.. but it seems like building that social credit/collateral is a key part of being in a community. It also seems to be a way, in my head, to "validate" that I am giving back to the community, and that I'm actually part of it, and not just a hangeron.

-----------------------Questions----------------

How is it that you know, or you feel like you are an active, giving, good member of a community?

What lights up your heart, letting you know that the community cares | appreciates | wants you to be part of it?

Apologies for the stream on consciousness writing style, and the somewhat random posting.

Happy Thursday all.